One of the hardest things to do is learning to let go. As I am typing this, I feel like I have white knuckled so many things. We talk about surrender a lot but in truth no one talks about how genuinely hard it is to surrender things back to God. Especially when our flesh wants to hang on to something so badly. I am going to be completely vulnerable for a minute because this is a part of my journey.
It's hard walking through a season that you cannot openly discuss at the moment. So many on the outside looking in with their opinions and judgements. If there is anything I've learned in my own personal walk it's to never judge a situation or a person just by what you hear and even often times parts of what you may see. Because not everything is what it may seem. I am having to learn to be ok with things not being ok. That some just do not really know me and do not know the behind the scenes that I lived with for the majority of my life. And as I set here typing this, I will openly say I am not perfect. I never was or will be or will ever proclaim to be. I have walked through seasons of depression, heavy anxiety, as well as times where I dealt with suicidal thoughts and I was good at hiding it from everyone else. There were times where I wasn't the best mother, friend, daughter, sister, Christian, acquaintance, or even a wife (when I was one). But one thing I can honestly say is God knows that I did the best I could with what I had until I just couldn't do it anymore. One thing I can say is I was and always will be faithful. Integrity has always been important to me. I loved and still love with every ounce of my being even when it has meant almost destroying myself in the process. But when God helped me to really look at it for what it really was, He helped me to see that love doesn't purposely cause another person pain, nor is it so selfish that you admit to your wrong and yet be so filled with pride to refuse to do your part and get the help you need and just expect everyone else to just deal with it. That it's your world and everyone else just lives in it so we are told to deal with it. Even if it means destroying everything and everyone around you. Love also isn't passive to the point where you continue to allow people to hurt, manipulate, degrade, or control you. It doesn't mean giving the best parts of you to others while the ones closest to you suffers. Love means fighting for your family in every way no matter what it looked like. Love is not trying to be another person's savior. You can't do that. That's God's job. And God had to help me to see that.
Truth is... broken people, hurt people. I'm thankful God allows me to see the deeper picture of things. He helps me to see the issues that truly lie beneath the surface of a person or a situation despite how close they maybe to me. People don't just go around committing adultery in every form over and over again over a span of 20 plus years for nothing. People don't verbally, mentally, emotionally abuse others for no reason. When someone is broken and in pain, they will reflect that pain on those around them. But ultimately you still have to do the work. Even if the work means admitting that you have a problem, speaking to a counselor, talking to your doctor, or a Pastor. It's laying aside your pride and shame to do what needs to be done because you want better not just for yourself but for those around you that you love and care for.
But.... when people refuse to do the work. When they stop caring and just give up. Then know there is absolutely nothing you can do about it other than just give it to God and learn to surrender it all to Him. This is what I had to do.
When I first began typing this blog it wasn't official. As I am finishing this blog now, it is official. This is something that I have not publicly announced and no I don't plan on changing my fb relationship status. (I am not looking for someone else. And not sure that I ever will be) It is not something I take pride in, and I know it broke God's heart more than it has broken mine. It was something, in truth, I never wanted and fought for years to keep from happening but when things just would not change, and I was at my wits end, especially when it began to affect our boys, I sought God in prayer over it, when I was setting in my car punching the steering wheel, screaming to the top of my lungs asking God why?!, God gently said in a whisper it's time to release him and give him to me. So, I did, as hard as it was, I did. And I still am. On December 30th, 2024, me and our boys, moved back to my childhood home where we had remained separated for 9 months. Over that period of time, not once did he want to work or fix anything. It was very obvious where he stood. His actions never met up with his words. This blog is not to openly bash him either. He is the father of my children and despite his choices I will respect my boys enough not to bash him. I realize also that he will have a totally different side to things, and that's ok. It is expected. I have had to grieve, walk through anger, and overall allow myself to heal and still having to as well as our boys. God knows what happened behind closed doors over the course of 19 years and longer. He knows the overall truth and that is all that matters to me. I do have a right to share my side though. My testimony. And I don't mind sharing the hard parts even about myself where I had walked through bouts of crippling depression and heavy anxiety and where I would beg God to just take my life, there were times I could not even clean my house or take on my responsibilities because it was so heavy. But did I ever get the support I needed like I had gave to him. Well, God knows. I was good at hiding it to others. I didn't want people to see my pain. But over a period of time, I began losing pieces of who I was. I lost interest in life and the things that brought me joy because the harder I tried the less it mattered so I finally just quit. I began living in survival mode. And in truth I am having to learn how to get out of survival mode. God is having to restore me back to me. The me before pain changed me. I've gained weight over the years, I'm losing my hair, among other health issues that stress has caused, and I have trust issues. I live everyday thinking why expect anything good to happen when it will just fall apart anyway. I know God will help me to break free from all this. Jesus has had to be my strength for a long time and will always be. My kids and those around me deserve a completely healed version of me. And that is what I am working towards.
For those who read this (including his and my family) know, yes, I was the one who filed. No, it had nothing to do with his health issues (I would have taken care of him until we were old and grey), no, I did not ask him for any money. I could have. But I didn't. I didn't take anything unless it was my own personal belongings and our boys personal belongings and left him with everything else. I kept it very simple for him. I even left him a binder that listed all the finances and billing info and knew there was enough finances left for him to live off of to make it even easier. And both our children have phones so they can be reached at any time. They are both old enough to speak for themselves as well as to see things for themselves. They are not little anymore. And that is all I'm going to say. There is nothing keeping them from having clear communication or a good relationship with their daddy. That ball is left in his court. The Holy Spirit told me that when I left I was to leave well. So, I did. My messenger and phone is always open. If you have questions or something to say feel free to reach out to me. I don't mind being transparent.
Like I said this is not to bash or even expose but it is to help me further heal. I've had many to remind me that I don't need to fight my battles, but that God will fight them for me. That I don't have to honestly say anything because in due season it will reveal itself. And that is true. I'm not trying to even paint my own self as this perfect innocent person. I'm not. But I am tired of my voice being muzzled. And one day God will allow me to tell my whole story. Even the extremely hard parts.
But in the meantime, I ask that if you made it this far. I ask for your prayers. Pray for our children, pray for my ex-husband, and pray for me. And pray for all the families who have been destroyed by the Jezebel spirit. The enemy is trying so hard to destroy so many homes and marriages right now. Don't let it. Men, step up, protect your marriages. Do whatever you need to do to protect and fight for your families. Wives, do the same, and respect your husbands and love them well. And remember your children are watching.
And if you can relate than I want to encourage you to Let Go and Let God. This season shall pass and nothing goes waisted. Nothing. He works ALL things for our good and for His Glory. Amen. There is redemption in your story. May not be right now but it will in due season.
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